My recent experience with doll set in motion a path of discovery that has brought me to a general conclusion. All leaders are born but are finished in the “making”.

I can’t help but think that my stupidity and ignorance concerning male-female interpersonal relationships has actually proved to be an asset in my activism. We’re I to have been like most folks, programmed by all of the lifelong conditioning to value traditional social norms, I would never have been able to do as I’ve done. The social programming that teaches most people to value things like chasing the opposite sex, social standing, personal reputation, Hypergamy, and marriage would have prevented me from acting against those conventions for the sake of selfless greater good. The very quality demanded of effective leaders. After all, why should I follow someone into danger if that person has never made direct sacrifices themselves, has never themselves lost skin in the game?

In focusing so heavily on altruistic endeavors to the exclusion of romantic interpersonal relationships, I allowed those skills to rust. You have to stay in practice to stay sharp and I paid a bit of a price emotionally for that neglect. Such a positive accident though since the experience brought me back to the very core of what it is I’m really all about, that being the health and welfare of the human family. I have now come full circle, having explored the farthest reaches of the human condition to finally circle back around to the most basic of fundamentals. Is romantic love now in the cards for me? I suspect not unless she’s some sort of goddamn kick ass, hard-charging General like me, who gets off in staring death in the face to save others.

Not easy, I can tell you that much, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I am a classic Sigma, showing most all of the characteristics assigned to the type. I usually hate authority but will follow competent leadership when necessary, be them male or female. I do not want to be the boss nor the center of attention but will step up to the plate when called upon. I prefer to be solitary but do enjoy the company of people from time to time, the more diverse the better. My interests and hobbies are disperate and arcane. I am always considered smart but just a little off and I will speak my mind without regard to consensus. I revell in standing apart from the crowd. I am also highly moral but detest organized religion, yet hold rigid Christian beliefs. I am preoccupied with the greater good and will always choose the higher path regardless of personal cost. I also cherish civil disobedience as social commentary and practice being a scofflaw in the face of judicial hypocracy. My motto is to live and let live, a citizen of the world and a slave to no one. I love deeply and passionately but will abandon if that is the best choice, even matters of the heart must make sense. I am usually fearless and will confront wrong when aware of it, at the greatest of personal cost sometimes.

Who knew? I was a Sigma all along…

Thank you doll…

God brings people into your life to teach you and conversely, so that you may enhance their lives as well. I have recently had the sincere pleasure of just such a blessing in the person of a delightful young woman that for the sake of anonimity I will call “doll”.

Doll has been a special gift in that she has caused me to examine both life and myself as I had previously not done. In the short time span of the six months we have known each other, amourous expressions evolved into a tenuous friendship. It seems as though it is all over now as the original circumstances which brought us into each other’s orbits have run their course and I must say, they were quite unique circumstances indeed. Let me tell you though that even if I never see nor speak to her again (a very likely mutual choice), I will forever be grateful for the blessing that was her aquantance and enhancement to my life.

Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all a bed of roses, there were uncomfortable and flat out embarrassing moments bordering on the creepy, from both her and me. I awoke more than once to her either standing over me as I slept and even doing some improvised ballet. Those incidents freaked me out a little. As for my part, my shyness in the beginning kinda creeped her out as she is a very beautiful young woman of 26. I dont normally get nervous but her nervousness made me nervous. There was a mutual attraction there that eventually ran it’s course after she thankfully friend zoned me (mistakenly determined I was gay) and the pressure was off. No, we were never physical and admittedly I was attempting to infiltrate the LGBTQ community at the time (as so accused by my new trans friend) for literary purposes, so her mistake was understandable. I just let her assume simply because I enjoyed the intimacy of being her friend in a paternalistic sense. Or so I thought.

Life can sure throw you some curves, especially when God decides it’s time for you to grow and especially so if you ask him for that growth. Boy, was I about to recieve a doozy of a lesson too.

Doll suggested that we move in together as roommates! You could have knocked me over with a feather. An immediate sense of surprise was followed by an immediate sense of exilleration and then dread. You see, in the beginning of our aquantance we did sort of catch feelings but since I didn’t act upon them she thankfully friend zoned me which I was fine with simply because I thought the age difference made us inapropropriate for one another. I’m twice her age for goodness sake. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m right but at the time it was just easier for me, I wasn’t looking to get involved and because of my Christianity, I don’t fornicate. I have plenty of opportunities but choose not to and am quite happy with my choice. I know some will decide I’m just involuntarily celibate or some other kind of mal-adjusted freak but believe me, such is not the case. I simply have other priorities than chasing women for sex as you can see by my blog.

Anyway, now I have a problem. Instead of just seeing and talking to doll casually two or three times a week, I will now actually be exposed to her every single day in the most intimate of settings. Come on, I’m only human and a dude at that. Need I say more? Shock turns to concern as I realize I have to tell her the truth.

For all I know, she may have actually still had romantic feelings for me but was simply keeping her options open. She could also have been sincere and simply thought of us as friends, I guess I’ll never know. One thing I knew for certain was that I was not going to allow her to enter into such a situation without having all the T, that I had feelings for her that even I hadn’t realized until backed into this particular corner.

Love had reared it’s ugly, ugly head.

Ugh! I hate feeling this way. I’m totally fine now mind you but a couple of weeks ago I was a pathetic mess. No wonder people run from this thing. Damn thing is so very, very sneaky too.

Plans were immediately called off, excruciatingly awkward feelings all around that ran the gamut on both our parts, what a painful ordeal. Doll had been seeing her ex boyfriend and thus had an easier time of it than little ol’ single me. I in turn, relied upon YouTube relationship videos to get me through. This is where the blessing part comes in.

Both doll and I had finally come to the conclusion that God had put us in each other’s paths, surely for different reasons. For her I suspect I was meant to clarify the man she was actually supposed to be with (not me) and for myself, an aspect of humanity that I had almost completely ignored up until this moment, romantic love.

In my search to alleviate the pain and confusion that this near miss had caused, I had sought solace in watching YouTube relationship coaches and videos. You know what I discovered? I discovered that even though I had been twice married I was still as dumb as a bag of hammers concerning male/female relationships.

You see, I grew up in a single parent household, it was just me and my mom, no male role model around. There are simply things I was never taught nor learned. I then ran across relationship and dating coaches on YouTube and instantly understood what had happened between doll and I. It was a profound epiphany. I don’t want to bother doll nor stress her out anymore than has already occured, but if we ever do speak again I will thank her for having come into my life. It is due to her that I now have the missing pieces to both my personal development as well as my activism. Thank you so much doll, you’ve helped me more than you could ever know.

My primary goal as an activist is to save humanity in every way that it needs to be saved. Physically, spiritually, culturally etc. The key factor that I had been overlooking had been the most critical one of all. Humanity at it’s most basic core is the family unit as designed by God, how could I have been so remiss as to have ignored that. The relationship between a man and a woman that brings forth children and thus healthy continuation of the species, the very crux of all my activist endeavors. But I had missed that you see? With all the other issues worthy of attention, I had chosen to neglect the most important one of all, both in soceity as well as my very own personal existence. While I believed that I had taken the higher road of devotion, in actuality I was neglecting the fundamentals and my time with doll had made that viscerally clear. As they say, “No pain, no gain”.

Goodbye sweetheart, I hope you have a wonderful and fulfilling life where all of your dreams come true. Bye…

A rather pretentious title but nonetheless true. The Hero or alternatively, the Heroin, is the rare individual who sacrifices everything for the sake of others. The ultimate act of altruism. Heroes and Heroins are not perfect, only willing. They can be any age and any gender but they all share one thing in common, a willingness to give their all for someone else whether they know that person or not. Some say that the only true hero’s are dead.

Bravery is a byproduct of their choice, desperation and moral compulsion their fuel. Heros care nothing about living forever but such is usually their fate. Celebrated, admired and sometimes adored, no higher honor could be bestowed than to remember the hero and emulate their code. To care about someone, anyone and everyone, more than about oneself.

Pity the Hero I say, in those quiet times when you are alone. Most of us will never know what it feels like to leave all that we know and love behind in some ultimate quest to save people who often don’t even know their savior’s name. Most true Heros remain unsung.

True hero’s are never paid for their sacrifice, they are not employees. True Hero’s receive only pain and death for their selfless acts, consigned to obscurity. Those individuals that socioty favors lauding as Heros and Heroins are usually mere symbols meant to divert the emotions as some propagandist tool deployed for mass mind control. Better a hero than an employee simply doing what they were paid to do.

Both pity and admire only true Heros and Heroins, those nameless, faceless rarities who gave their all for all of us, both past and yet destined to be. Pity them the love that they never got to share, the children they never knew and the life they can no longer live. Weep for the Hero and celebrate them as well, emulate thier ethos by living for others and in so doing honor their sacrifice. Aspire to be so courageous and pray for the strength to not faulter when answering the call.

Most of all forgive the Hero, lest you be blinded to their virtues by the shortcomings of their humanity.

There is no such thing as a perfect Hero, perfection can only be found in their heroic acts.

I had my reserevationss aboutruth ehis place since long ago, especially since I had been unceremoniously kicked out for inconsequential infractions long ago, I have now found my trepidations to be well validated by fact, having been yet once again condemned to the streets byd my supposed benefactors.

Let me just say that the homeless outreach services in this city are atrocious, the Mission Navigation center especially so. I was victimized by not only one, but spreading her truth

I don’t really talk about it much but it’s at times like these that I feel it could be productive if for nothing more than the sake of education. My constant torture that is. I have long ago resigned myself to the inevitability of a traumatic death and therefore have relinquished any hopes of an enjoyable life, considering the forces allied against me. In my regard, I am already dead. Such an attitude must not be confused with being suicidal, no, quite the opposite. I am rather free of the encumbrances most people consider making life worth living simply because I cannot be fulfilled by them. I still enjoy them but there exists this ever present reminder that they are shallow and fleeting, a mere form of the actual thing. I understand the realities of life far to well, the fallacies we are trained to value. None of this is real save the limited relationships we form with both God and each other. Two people or more sincerely caring for others and God, those are the only things that are real. All else is just an evil illusion. With great wisdom also comes great sadness. So much easier to think me insane for most. No matter, I know many will never awaken but I will give my last breath trying to save them anyway. The only value my life has ever had. To save others so that they cross from this life to the next properly and that our common enemy loses yet just one more.

So I endure daily torture, the murder of my precious mother, and daily ridicule for the sake of a near hopeless battle to save a thankless humanity. All the gold in the world, love of any woman nor whatever other vapid wishes I formerly held dear (including and especially comfort) could ever dissuade me from marching daily towards a horrible death. If I snatch only one single person from the ravages of spiritual slavery then it will all have been worth it. This is my true hearts desire despite my daily torture by noxious gases coming out of thin air as well as all the rest. You’ve only strengthened both my will and resolve. Do not get in my way.

Continue Reading

Hello people,

As you may or may not know I’m now homeless and have been so for on year it, barely feels like 2 months. I’m pretty much in the same state of health in affairs with some pending misdemeanor legal troubles of which I do not know what the outcome will be. I’m also still under direct attack on a daily 24/7 an hour basis through poisoning, the means of which is still a mystery to me.

My resolve to continue my altruistic pursuits has never been stronger. No matter what happens I will never stop resisting the devil, his children nor trying to snatch people from the fires of Hell. Rather than waste my time in politics, I have hit the streets to minister directly to those in need.

I’m volunteering for the San Francisco AIDS Foundation at their SAS needle exchange as well as st. James Infirmary, both located in San Francisco California. I perform syringe disposal twice a week for St James and once a week every Friday for the SAS needle exchange on 6th Street. It has been immensely rewarding and I have absolutely fallen in love with the people that I am serving. I also have come into contact with the lgbtq community via my volunteer employee with the San Francisco AIDS Foundation and have found that extremely rewarding as well. Not to exaggerate but I absolutely love these people. I find myself wanting to spend all of my time with them.

I have also purchased a brand new bicycle to replace a used bicycle as well as a new bicycle that I have both disposed of because they could not withstand the heavy use of living on the street. I’ve been bouncing between shelters and thanks be to God have not had to endure one night sleeping outdoors as yet.

I’ve made many new friends and have attempted to explain my situation to them regarding the poisoning and satanic attack that I am under, but have yet to find anyone to take me seriously. That is no longer such a priority for me as I find the actual service of humanity much more rewarding and effective than actually trying to minister or talk to people, since learning about their lives and getting close to them will probably produce better results anyway. I’m now realize that I have to be there for them as a friend when the s*** actually hits the fan either in general or in their lives, so that they’ll have some sort of knowledgeable / authoritative voice to turn to for guidance and help. Were I actually to convince them of true reality all at once, they would experience shock and it might actually be more harmful rather than helpful to them, I don’t want to do that to anyone. I’ve come to be more gentle and temperate in my approach to the cruel realities of this world and universe that we live in.

So for the time being everything is pretty much still the same. Sorry I haven’t blocked or posted such a long while but being away from my computer and having to write on this phone is not something very productive nor enjoyable. I will try to chronicle my experiences and Endeavors more thoroughly in the future

Until then take care God bless and keep up the faith.