Thank you doll…

God brings people into your life to teach you and conversely, so that you may enhance their lives as well. I have recently had the sincere pleasure of just such a blessing in the person of a delightful young woman that for the sake of anonimity I will call “doll”.

Doll has been a special gift in that she has caused me to examine both life and myself as I had previously not done. In the short time span of the six months we have known each other, amourous expressions evolved into a tenuous friendship. It seems as though it is all over now as the original circumstances which brought us into each other’s orbits have run their course and I must say, they were quite unique circumstances indeed. Let me tell you though that even if I never see nor speak to her again (a very likely mutual choice), I will forever be grateful for the blessing that was her aquantance and enhancement to my life.

Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all a bed of roses, there were uncomfortable and flat out embarrassing moments bordering on the creepy, from both her and me. I awoke more than once to her either standing over me as I slept and even doing some improvised ballet. Those incidents freaked me out a little. As for my part, my shyness in the beginning kinda creeped her out as she is a very beautiful young woman of 26. I dont normally get nervous but her nervousness made me nervous. There was a mutual attraction there that eventually ran it’s course after she thankfully friend zoned me (mistakenly determined I was gay) and the pressure was off. No, we were never physical and admittedly I was attempting to infiltrate the LGBTQ community at the time (as so accused by my new trans friend) for literary purposes, so her mistake was understandable. I just let her assume simply because I enjoyed the intimacy of being her friend in a paternalistic sense. Or so I thought.

Life can sure throw you some curves, especially when God decides it’s time for you to grow and especially so if you ask him for that growth. Boy, was I about to recieve a doozy of a lesson too.

Doll suggested that we move in together as roommates! You could have knocked me over with a feather. An immediate sense of surprise was followed by an immediate sense of exilleration and then dread. You see, in the beginning of our aquantance we did sort of catch feelings but since I didn’t act upon them she thankfully friend zoned me which I was fine with simply because I thought the age difference made us inapropropriate for one another. I’m twice her age for goodness sake. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m right but at the time it was just easier for me, I wasn’t looking to get involved and because of my Christianity, I don’t fornicate. I have plenty of opportunities but choose not to and am quite happy with my choice. I know some will decide I’m just involuntarily celibate or some other kind of mal-adjusted freak but believe me, such is not the case. I simply have other priorities than chasing women for sex as you can see by my blog.

Anyway, now I have a problem. Instead of just seeing and talking to doll casually two or three times a week, I will now actually be exposed to her every single day in the most intimate of settings. Come on, I’m only human and a dude at that. Need I say more? Shock turns to concern as I realize I have to tell her the truth.

For all I know, she may have actually still had romantic feelings for me but was simply keeping her options open. She could also have been sincere and simply thought of us as friends, I guess I’ll never know. One thing I knew for certain was that I was not going to allow her to enter into such a situation without having all the T, that I had feelings for her that even I hadn’t realized until backed into this particular corner.

Love had reared it’s ugly, ugly head.

Ugh! I hate feeling this way. I’m totally fine now mind you but a couple of weeks ago I was a pathetic mess. No wonder people run from this thing. Damn thing is so very, very sneaky too.

Plans were immediately called off, excruciatingly awkward feelings all around that ran the gamut on both our parts, what a painful ordeal. Doll had been seeing her ex boyfriend and thus had an easier time of it than little ol’ single me. I in turn, relied upon YouTube relationship videos to get me through. This is where the blessing part comes in.

Both doll and I had finally come to the conclusion that God had put us in each other’s paths, surely for different reasons. For her I suspect I was meant to clarify the man she was actually supposed to be with (not me) and for myself, an aspect of humanity that I had almost completely ignored up until this moment, romantic love.

In my search to alleviate the pain and confusion that this near miss had caused, I had sought solace in watching YouTube relationship coaches and videos. You know what I discovered? I discovered that even though I had been twice married I was still as dumb as a bag of hammers concerning male/female relationships.

You see, I grew up in a single parent household, it was just me and my mom, no male role model around. There are simply things I was never taught nor learned. I then ran across relationship and dating coaches on YouTube and instantly understood what had happened between doll and I. It was a profound epiphany. I don’t want to bother doll nor stress her out anymore than has already occured, but if we ever do speak again I will thank her for having come into my life. It is due to her that I now have the missing pieces to both my personal development as well as my activism. Thank you so much doll, you’ve helped me more than you could ever know.

My primary goal as an activist is to save humanity in every way that it needs to be saved. Physically, spiritually, culturally etc. The key factor that I had been overlooking had been the most critical one of all. Humanity at it’s most basic core is the family unit as designed by God, how could I have been so remiss as to have ignored that. The relationship between a man and a woman that brings forth children and thus healthy continuation of the species, the very crux of all my activist endeavors. But I had missed that you see? With all the other issues worthy of attention, I had chosen to neglect the most important one of all, both in soceity as well as my very own personal existence. While I believed that I had taken the higher road of devotion, in actuality I was neglecting the fundamentals and my time with doll had made that viscerally clear. As they say, “No pain, no gain”.

Goodbye sweetheart, I hope you have a wonderful and fulfilling life where all of your dreams come true. Bye…