I don’t really talk about it much but it’s at times like these that I feel it could be productive if for nothing more than the sake of education. My constant torture that is. I have long ago resigned myself to the inevitability of a traumatic death and therefore have relinquished any hopes of an enjoyable life, considering the forces allied against me. In my regard, I am already dead. Such an attitude must not be confused with being suicidal, no, quite the opposite. I am rather free of the encumbrances most people consider making life worth living simply because I cannot be fulfilled by them. I still enjoy them but there exists this ever present reminder that they are shallow and fleeting, a mere form of the actual thing. I understand the realities of life far to well, the fallacies we are trained to value. None of this is real save the limited relationships we form with both God and each other. Two people or more sincerely caring for others and God, those are the only things that are real. All else is just an evil illusion. With great wisdom also comes great sadness. So much easier to think me insane for most. No matter, I know many will never awaken but I will give my last breath trying to save them anyway. The only value my life has ever had. To save others so that they cross from this life to the next properly and that our common enemy loses yet just one more.
So I endure daily torture, the murder of my precious mother, and daily ridicule for the sake of a near hopeless battle to save a thankless humanity. All the gold in the world, love of any woman nor whatever other vapid wishes I formerly held dear (including and especially comfort) could ever dissuade me from marching daily towards a horrible death. If I snatch only one single person from the ravages of spiritual slavery then it will all have been worth it. This is my true hearts desire despite my daily torture by noxious gases coming out of thin air as well as all the rest. You’ve only strengthened both my will and resolve. Do not get in my way.